


Where in the World is Tessa Sandiego?

by Bucklethorpe



Category: Teriah
Genre: F/F, Just so incredibly stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:26:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23090161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bucklethorpe/pseuds/Bucklethorpe
Summary: How does one escape an Ice-pocalypse?
Relationships: Mariah Copeland/Tessa Porter
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	Where in the World is Tessa Sandiego?

As she regathered her wits after a storm out to end all storm outs, she waited. Surely, Mariah was coming after her. She was going to be following her in three, two, one... No? Guess not. Guess she was going to, instead, rehash her lying, cheating coupling with whose-her-bra in there. Bitch didn't owe Tessa any explanation, sure. Tessa owed her a drop kick to the jaw at the very least, though. Or something less violent and more diplomatic. Ol' Bartender McCheatertits didn't just demolish her relationship. That was Mariah.  _ Her _ Mariah. 

Wow.

Mariah had cheated on her. Had  _ cheated  _ on her. There were no misunderstandings because that's what had happened. No doubt. The shoebox smelled like mediocre sex and deception. She was as sure about that as she was that Devon's private in-flight entertainment will be always _ Family Matters _ or that Victor was born with a lack of tonal inflection. And the most painful of all truths: when backed into a corner, Mariah always, always leads with her hips. Indisputable facts.

Okay, so, yeah, no, Mariah was not coming after her with apologies and misunderstandings and just kiddings. She was all on her own. Outside, lonely, and frankly cold as balls. You know who was not cold? Lindsay. Nope, Lindsay was  _ still  _ in _ her _ apartment. With her girlfriend. In her silk robe. Living her life, drinking her herbal tea, playing her very old edition of Pictionary. She was probably using those tiny pencils to draw Mariah with her newfound intimate knowledge like Jack Dawson or some shit. 

Tessa could not be here any longer. Not in front of this building. Not so close to Mariah. Not in Genoa City. So, she rolled her neck to shake the crick that started from all the aggressive door slamming and gripped the handle of her carry-on. Not two blocks away, her bag hit a rock and flipped over like every analogy of her life to this moment. “Fudgenuggets!” she called, echoing off the coldness and reverberating right back her way. It wasn’t like she even needed the fucking bag. Damn thing barely had anything in it because when you come home for “I’m here to forgive you for being a slightly unhinged, accusatory bitch” two hour booty call, you don't need any clothes. She was basically toting a pair of snow boots, a ukulele, and various meat snacks. No judgments.

“Thank God,” she breathed out as a familiar spot appeared through the sleet. She peered into the windows of Society and located Theo and Lola. Hm. Friendly enough. Her balled fist nearly made contact with the glass when she noticed two other figures. Oh, wait. Who else was there? Kyle and Summer. Good lord. Two options crystallized in front her. She could freeze, die, be eaten by rabid coyotes and leave Mariah to identify her shredded remains or be stuck in the one room pressure cooker that is the four of those blowhards. “Rabid coyotes, it is,” she whispered as she dredged on, tying her black coat tighter. “Mariah deserves to have to identify my frozen, regurgitated bones!”

A quarter of a mile away, she was really regretting that decision. At least two of those people were her semi-friends. It wouldn’t be permanent. Not nearly as permanent as say, getting matching tattoos with a girlfriend. Although, that permanence is subjective considering Mariah’s bass clef was rubbed off after some rather vigorous lovemaking. Irony at its finest. Should have known then. Chop another line like a coda with a curse. She was lost in all the aggravation when she saw two ice covered thugs fleeing from an abandoned building. “Who the fuck is out causing mischief in this weather?” Then she realized she better calm the hell down because she only brought a suitcase to a knife fight. Meat snacks do not a weapon make. She quickly ducked and spun and headed the other direction. It was really too bad, she could have sworn she smelled breath mints.

Tessa wondered if her ears were frostbitten. She really should have worn a hat. A hat would be great right now. She saw a light up ahead and wondered if there was someone who could offer a port in the storm. Maybe there was a kind soul that could offer some sage advice from their super distant  _ All My Children _ past who just may have had to deal with a girlfriend who displayed some serious holier than thou tendencies. Anyone? As she ventured closer, she was dismayed by a voice spouting some knockoff Shakespearean sonnet. Hard pass. Like the hardest of passes. She’d rather stuff a whole dill pickle in her sock than have to endure that bullshit. So, instead, she opened the door ever so slightly and swiped at a furry cap lying on a chair by the door. She pulled the flaps snug against her ears and kept on keeping on.

The Nick Newman residence glowed like a beacon against the darkness and she was called toward it. The two of them didn’t exactly share bologna sandwiches in gazebos or anything, but surely to shit, he’d be okay with giving her a warm glass of milk at a time like this. He was a father, for crying out loud. He was, in fact, a step-father to the dearly departed, separated at birth, identical twin of the very same woman who had weed wacked her heart on this very night. Nick Newman owed her! Also, the intense cold and driving ice pellets may have made her hallucinate. That had to be it, because before she could even make it to Nick’s door, a vision of Phyllis Summers with an egg roll hanging out of her mouth appeared. Hallucinatory Phyllis slipped on some black ice, went down in a perfect split, and did a 180 back indoors. “Fuck dis shiz,” she heard in the distance.

She had never envisioned Genoa City as the truly timber-rich city that it was. She was out here dodging trees like a motherfucker. She’s gotten clipped by a rather beautiful oak just moments before and had collected a decent twig as a souvenir. She was using said twig to navigate her icy path when she saw Tanner. Well, Tanner’s face. A Tanner Watts poster to be exact. A Tanner Watts poster that someone has defaced by squeezing in a “T” making him the one and only Tanner TWatts. He had a handlebar mustache and was not “coming to a stadium near you” anymore. Someone, cough Mariah Copeland cough, had used a glittery sharpie to announce he was “coming in yo girl.”

“Why didn’t you stay away, you douche?” she asked the image. “Like, good on you for taking me on tour and giving me this one in a lifetime opportunity. But, now, my lady has taken to dipping her pen in the company ink.” Tessa reexamined the statement. “So, that made no sense, but neither does this latest development, so whatevs.”

Tessa’s heart broke at the realization that Mariah really, honestly, one hundred percent thought that she was off touring and sexing her way through the country. She turned and dramatically fell backward onto the glass surface, nearly tripping when it gave way. Tessa caught herself with her trusty twig and noticed that she had stumbled into the lobby of an apartment building. Upon straightening, she came face to face with her arch nemesis. Okay, that’s ridiculous. She came to face to face with Bartender McCheatertits, not quite her arch nemesis...yet.

“Hey, uh, hi,” Lindsay awkwardly spouted. She was clearly thinking that these might be the last moments of her life. “Tessa?”

“Yes, it’s me,” Tessa seethed, snapping her ear flaps up. “Tessa. We’ve met. Right after you slept with my girlfriend!”

“Have you been out in the weather this whole time?”

“Have you been in my apartment this whole time?”

Lindsay sank back sheepishly. “Um, yeah, but not doing what you think.”

Tessa rolled her eyes at the obvious lie. 

“I mean, uh,” Lindsay pointed to the stick in Tessa’s hand. “Are you going to hit me?”

“What?” Tessa looked at the stick like she didn’t even know it was there. “No, of course not.”

“‘Cause I’ve heard things about you.”

“That I hit people with tree branches?”

“No,” Lindsay clarified. “Nobody ever said you hit anyone with a branch.”

“Then stop barking,” Tessa dropped her twig. “I’m not going to tear you limb from limb.”

“I’d appreciate that,” Lindsay said gratefully. “Also, that was a lot of tree talk without anything actually happening.”

“I know!” Tessa groaned at her luck. She was stuck. She had no truck. She was dirty with muck. “Look. You're just a plot device. I get it. It's not like you groomed her. It’s not as if you subtly suggested I was fucking my surprise ex-husband while you windexed some shot glasses and laid a trap. You didn’t lure her home knowing she was particularly vulnerable because of some family issue that I don’t know anything about. There’s just no way that you preyed upon some deep seeded abandonment issue from her less than stellar culty childhood.”

Lindsay gulped and her voice went up two octaves. “Nope, none of that.”

“Mariah is an adult,” Tessa continued. “She’s got a job and a bagpipe.”

“Actually she has neither,” Lindsay said, with a shrug. 

Cue Tessa’s concerned frozen face while the screen faded to black.

Tampon commercial. Fresh food delivery service commercial. A barely FDA approved drug with a million side effects commercial. Cascade commercial. A competing fresh food delivery service commercial.

“I’ve only been gone for a couple of weeks and Mariah has lost her goddamn bagpipe,” Tessa exclaimed. “WTF!”

“Listen,” Lindsay calmly stated as she eased in close, gently rubbing Tessa’s back. “You should talk to her. She’s really the best. She’s cool and witty. She has all that ginger hair and sass. Seriously, sass for days. She was hurting, I was just helping her out. Obviously. The girl needed a pick-me-up. She needed a good friend to comfort her. I could have comforted her all night. But, hey, she’s super bummed about this whole thing. I’ve only known her for a few episodes, but I’ve never seen her so distraught.”

Tessa lifted Lindsay’s hand off of her, letting it drop. “I once shoved thousands of dollars up a teddy bear's ass. I could end you without blinking.”

“Good talk,” Lindsay said as she backflipped onto an awaiting elevator.

“And stay away from my sassy ginger girlfriend,” Tessa screamed as the doors met and a ding signaled her departure. Hopefully, forever. 

Now, more than ever, Tessa was intent on getting out of Genoa City and back onto a stage in some other non-descript Midwestern city so that she could sing the fuck out a song that would absolutely torch Mariah for cheating on her with some basic bartending blonde chick. Tessa prayed that someone would illegally record it with a Galaxy 7 and then upload it to Youtube where Mariah would watch it and cry for days and days...months even. Yeah, Mariah would hate it, but she’d also love it because the catchy melody and thus torturing her for all eternity because she won’t be able to get it out of her head. Revenge. Perfected.

Tessa would get out of here if it was the very last thing she ever did. And judging by all the weather alerts of impending snow doom, it just might be. “What never stops?” she asked herself. Then, the answer. She strapped on a pair of ice skates, bladed to the airport, tossed her suitcase aside and stuffed herself into an Amazon box on a cargo plane. By the time she popped out of this box with her ukulele, she’d be a bona fide star!


End file.
